. . .

i haven't written in a very long time.

i guess i just haven't been in a good place, mentally.

i didn't want to dwell on things here.

i've written and erased this post several times in the last few months...

but i miss having my blog, and i don't want to pretend this didn't happen neither...

on march 20^th my father died from a heart attack.

he had had one before, 5 years ago, when i was still in college, but because of that he had been constantly checked on, and was doing as normal as one can. no red flags whatsoever...

so you can understand how unexpected and devastating it was to me.

i went to portugal for the funeral and stayed for a week. when i returned to work, i just simply couldn't work. It was unbearable for me to stay in the office, working, like nothing had happened and with everyone telling me how sorry they were for me...

i took another week off of work, and still felt the same...

i had been having (what i know now are) anxiety attacks prior to my father's death, but they became a lot more frequent.

so i decided, with the help of tó, to quit my job and take some time to feel better without any pressure.

pass forward 4 months, and one attempt to move to switzernland, and i'm still here in paris, feeling and doing better, but without a job and feeling rather useless, really.

for a while i tried to change my life, to meet my dream of living somwhere quiet, with mountains, and when i went to genève for a job interview (which in the end i didn't get...) i absolutely loved it...

this past week, however,  i finally got into my head that i can't stay like this anymore.  i'm now starting to apply for jobs in paris again - afterall, my boyfriend has a secure job here, we have a nice studio and we do have good friends here!

so when i actually think about it, my life is actually good here in paris... :)

it's time to move on with life, so here's to the happy times to come*